iLikeBlue

Rant Comic’s Day Off

I’ve always thought it would be fun to be a rant comedian, like Lewis Black. That way, my constant foul-mouthed complaining would be a lucrative business plan instead of just annoying bitchiness.
Lewis Black walks down the street and sees two Starbucks: HBO comedy special!

Kathy Griffin makes an ass of herself at a friend’s wedding: Reality TV show!

I make an angry comment about the illegal immigrant that rear-ended me at a stop light: awkward silence. . .

To temper my jealousy, I started to think a little deeper about the real life of a rant comic. Surely it’s not all giltz and glamor, “The Daily Show” and Champagne. What if, like any job, it gets tedious after a while? What if the rant comic wants a day off once in a while?

On Vacation:

Hotel Manager: Hello sir, and welcome to the Balinese Hilton! Please let me know if I can do anything, anything, to make your stay more pleasurable. Your comfort is our number one concern! [titters anxiously for reply]

Rant Comedian: Thank you. This is a beautiful place you’ve got here.

Hotel Manager: I’m so sorry sir, it must just be a misunderstanding. I assure you I will take care of — excuse me, sir? What did you say?

Rant Comedian: Everything is great. I just arrived, so I haven’t had much time to walk around, but from what I’ve seen your hotel, heck, you’re intire country, is just wonderful. Very friendly people.

Hotel Manager: Sir? I do not understand. Is something wrong? Are you feeling unwell? You are a famous comedian. Even here we know of your act! We love your McDonald’s bit! What is wrong with our country that you cannot make a joke about us, too, sir?

Rant Comedian: I’m sorry, but I’m really a nice guy. That’s just my persona for my act. No one can be that angry all the time; I’d give myself a coronary!

Hotel Manager: [Crestfallen] Oh. I understand, sir. Let me show you to your room.
At His Own Wedding:

Rant Comedian: I, Rant Comedian, take you, Susan, to be my lawfully wedded wife. Susan, I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you at that Starbucks in the city. I promise to always listen when you’re talking, hold your hand when you cry, and buy you tampons at the grocery store when you run out.

Crowd titters, people clap, random guest shouts out a catch phrase: “That’s what I’m talking ’bout, Bitch!”

Rant Comedian: … I, I.. Excuse me? I’m not doing a bit, I’m trying to recite the vow I wrote specifically for my lovely wife here. Look, this isn’t an act. I realize I’m standing in front of a large crowd, but we aren’t at Carnegie Hall. Can you all please just quiet down so the officiant can finish the ceremony? Please?

At Parent Teacher Conferences:

Teacher: So those were the macaroni sculptures the children made the first week of school, now let’s move on to the storybook corner…

Rant Comedian: Mrs. So-and-so, I’d just like to tell you - can I be honest here for a moment?

Teacher: [bracing for witty cut-down] Oh, I know, macaroni, right? Seriously, what WAS I thinking… right?

Rant Comedian: Um… no. Actually my wife and I think you’re just doing a GREAT job with little Billy.

Teacher: What’s the deal with the fricking macaroni?! Right? Like, what’s next? Sculptures made from Government Cheese!?

Rant Comedian: Ma’am… I’m being serious. Billy loves you. I’m not sure what we’re going to do during the summer!

Teacher: I mean, it’s not like Chinese school kids are learning how to waste food like this! Maybe that’s why they’re getting higher test scores and taking all our jobs! What I should be teaching little Billy is what aisle to stock macaroni at WalMart, since that’s all he’ll have to look forward to in the future! Am I right? Good gravy!

Rant Comedian grimaces and slowly backs out of room.