Blog Contest: Dialogue
March 31, 2008 – 12:56 pmA Series of Monologues:
Person in front of me at the Post Office when I am just running in really quick on my way to work, for which I am already late and my boss is looking for reasons to fire me: “Hi I’d like to fill out a really long form. Just give me whichever one is the most complicated. Can you also please repeat yourself, every single thing you say? Because I’m either really old, or really slow and hearing something just once isn’t quite enough for me to understand you. By the way, how’s your family? Yeah, we all just went on a cruise. Unbelievable, right? You have GOT to go. It was fantastic. They give you a new towel every day and the drinks have little umbrellas in them so your drink doesn’t get too much sun.”
Person in front of me at the bakery I stop at every week and get the same thing, the entire transaction taking about 3 seconds: “Um….. Uh….. What are those? [points at an item, clearly labeled as “Blueberry Lemon Muffin”] Do they have fruit? I’m allergic to all fruit. Okay…. um…. uh…. What do you have without any carbs? Lemme look . . . …. Okay I’ll have the bacon pie! Yeah gimme two bacon pies, please! Oh no… you’re ALL out? NONE left, huh? …. Um…. uh…”
Car in front of me at the drive through: [Car is stopped at the menu/ordering station for approximately 20 minutes. Car drives forward, towards the payment window. Car fails to adequately move forward enough so my car is unable to pull up fully to the ordering station. Driver attempts to pay with pocket change. When handing the money over the the fast food employee, about half the change falls to the ground and rolls into the gutter. Driver attempts to reach arm out the car window and pick up several pennies from the ground. Arm is not long enough. This does not deter driver from trying. For 5 whole minutes. Driver eventually receives order, but asks for additional items like napkins, or sauce. This confusing request baffles the employee, who adds precious minutes to the process, one last time.
Waitress at Shitty Chain Restaurant featuring antiques hanging on the walls, Popular with Families: “Here’s the drink menu. Oh okay, JUST water? Got it. Okay do you need more time to look at your 36 page menu? Take your time, I’ll be back in 10 seconds. So do you know what you want yet? More time? Alrighty, just take your time. Okay here I am, back to take your order! Oh I love the soup! Yeah it’s really good. I just had it last night! We basically cut open a plastic bag of liquid and heat it up, then we charge you like $6. It’s great. Okay so I’ll put you down for one soup. Do you want fries with that? Okay that’s $4 extra. Or you can get a platter, which is $29.99. It includes soup, fries and a microscopic cup of old coleslaw that you won’t eat anyway, but it’s 15 cents cheaper than ordering all those items individually. Okay great, and can I get you anything else to drink? We have soda. No not Coke, just Pepsi. Or not Pepsi, just Coke. I forget, but it’s the opposite of whatever you asked for. Company policy. We actually have both machines in the back, but I’m not allowed to sell you a Coke product now. Just water? Oh okay. I’ll be back with your microwaved, spit in, pubic hair food in just about an hour.”
3 Responses to “Blog Contest: Dialogue”
I was skeptical at first, but the waitress monologue is quite funny and saves the entire piece. I smell another winner.
By Jeff on Apr 3, 2008
No, he’s nuts. That was terrible. This is going to lose.
By Not Jeff on Apr 3, 2008
What a diverse set of opinions we have on this blog! And yet we still get along. I love the strong “community” that this blog fosters.
By Jeff on Apr 3, 2008